We are sexual beings, throughout the lifespan. This includes the later years of life, which are often overlooked in discussions of sexuality. In this record I want to address some misconceptions about aging and sexuality; record some recognize information on sexual behavior among seniors; delineate physical, psychological and healing changes that may accompany aging; and advise definite and affirming ways for seniors to continue to enjoy their sexuality to the fullest.
I. Some Myths about Aging and Sexuality
Many cultural "truths" transport the message that sexuality is for
the young. If seniors are concerned in sex there is something wrong with that. How many of the following myths and stereotypes have you heard?
- Older habitancy don't have sex, don't want sex, don't think about sex.
- It's perverted for an older man to have sexual thoughts; possibly he is a "dirty old man".
- Women don't want sex, aren't concerned in sex, and are only going along with what men want.
- When you get "old", you can't have sex.
- Sex is for younger adults. (I saw a cross-stitched sampler once which said "Kissing don't last - cooking do".)
- If you can't have sex like a porn star, you have no firm trying it at all.
These are all misleading and incorrect stereotypes. It is
important to identify that sexuality is a central part of healthy living - all our lives!
Ii. recognize Information: What's Happening Out There?
Three modern national surveys of older Americans have focused on
sexuality and sexual behavior. "Healthy Sexuality and Vital
Aging" (1998) was funded by Pfizer and sponsored by the National
Council on the Aging (Ncoa) and surveyed over 1300 people. The
American relationship of Retired Persons (Aarp) sponsored national surveys in 1999 and again in 2004. "Sexuality at Midlife and Beyond" looked at a nationally representative group of 1700 adults aged 45 and older.
The Ncoa recognize found that almost half of seniors over sixty are
sexually active; 39% want sex more often. The majority of
respondents reported having sex less often now than when they
were in their forties - 82% of men and 63% of women.
61% of men and 62% of women find sex equal to or more physically
satisfying than it was in their forties. With regard to
emotional satisfaction, 76% of men and 69% of women found sex to
be at least as emotionally satisfying as in their forties.
72% of men and 47% of women reconsider sex foremost to their
relationship with their partner. Men, however, were more than
twice as likely as women to record wanting sex more frequently.
This was true in all age segments - even in men 80 and older.
The Aarp study found that the proportion of men who've tried
potency-enhancing medicines, hormones, or other treatments has
doubled since 1999. The majority (68%) record the treatments
have increased their sexual satisfaction. Their wives also
reported increased delight for themselves.
63% of men and women with partners described themselves as whether very satisfied or somewhat satisfied with their sex lives. 51% of men and women surveyed reported having sexual thoughts, fantasies, or erotic dreams at least once a week.
50% of women in the 45-49 age range reported that they
masturbate; 20% of women 70 and older said they masturbated. A
majority of all women - even those 70-plus - told Aarp that self- stimulation is an foremost part of sexual delight at any age.
Both these surveys, based on scientifically randomized samples,
indicate that seniors are having sex, mental about sex,
enjoying sex - and taking steps to growth their enjoyment and
pleasure. Clearly sexuality is foremost to older Americans,
contrary to popular stereotypes!
Iii. Natural Changes Occurring With Aging
Most of us reading this are not twenty years old any more! Our
bodies are enduringly changing - though many of us are in denial. Orthopedic treatment is one of the fastest-growing healing specialities, treating rotator cuff injuries, tennis elbow, injured backs, torn cartilage, blown Acls - in aging baby
boomers. We're not ready to give it up!
Your body changes as you age, and these changes can work on your
sexual relationships.
A. bodily Changes
Testosterone regulates your sex drive whether you're a man or a
woman. Most aging men and women furnish adequate testosterone to
maintain their interest in sex, though patches and creams can
provide an alternative source of the hormone to boost desire if
needed.
Men and women sense separate changes in their bodies as
they age.
-- Women --
Most bodily changes are associated to menopause and reduced
estrogen levels. As you age, it takes longer for your vagina to
swell and lubricate when you're sexually aroused. Your vagina
also loses some elasticity. Together these can make intercourse
less comfortable or even painful.
What to do:
- Longer foreplay increases natural lubrication.
- Use water-based lubricants, such as Astroglide, Probe or Silk.
- Estrogen creams or hormone exchange therapy can rejuvenate vaginal tissue.
- quarterly intercourse helps assert lubrication and elasticity.
- Do Kegel exercises to keep the pelvic floor muscles toned.
- If you haven't had intercourse for a while, perceive it takes time to stretch out - go slowly!
- Minimize any pain or discomfort. Desire ordinarily returns once any discomfort is relieved.
-- Men --
As you age, it might take longer to achieve an erection; it may
be less firm and it may not last as long. Aging also increases
the time in the middle of potential ejaculations.
What to do:
- Relax, stop worrying about it! Anxiety makes it worse.
- Let go of performance expectations. American media is filled with messages implying that masculinity and virility is equated with teenage performance.
- Kegel exercises are very helpful for men also, to tone the pelvic floor musculature.
- Take longer with sexual activities. You may also need more direct bodily stimulation.
- Try separate positions, for ease and extra stimulation.
- Focus on pleasurable sensations, rather than on hurrying towards orgasm and ejaculation.
- Viagra, Cialis or Levitra may help intensify erections.
- Other healing devices, such as pumps, drugs and implants have been developed. I would encourage a natural and relaxed exploration of sexual possibilities before submitting to an costly and invasive healing procedure.
Intercourse is Not the Only Way to Have Sex!
Helen Gurley Brown, author of Sex and the singular Girl, has said,
"When habitancy say they can't have sex because they have a bad
back, or arthritis, or all of the things that can work on our
bodies as we get older, I think what they're really saying is
they're seeing for an excuse not to have sex. When you care,
you find that there are all sorts of ways to express sensuality."
Sexual ignorance, cultural values and media images consolidate to
"sell" the story that sex = intercourse - and having an orgasm is the way to tell if you're accomplishing anything!
This mindset gets all things backwards. The purpose of having
huge concentrations of nerve endings and delight receptors in
our genitals is to sense pleasure. While orgasms are
wonderful, when sex becomes goal-driven to "achieve" climax, it
short-changes both partners' delight and places enormous
performance expectations and demands - which can turn sex from
playful, spontaneous, pleasurable sensual intimacy in the middle of two
people who care about each other into something like a chore.
I very advise Marty Klein's book Let Me Count the Ways:
Great Sex Without Intercourse as an excellent guide and
encouragement in your creativity. (For more information about
Marty Klien's book look on:
http://www.books4selfhelp.com/sexuality.htm )
Passionate kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, telling erotic stories to each other, massage, hugging, touching, cuddling -- all of this can be great sex!
What is most foremost is delight - giving and receiving
physical and emotional pleasure. We are all hungry to be
touched. We need touch. Without touch, babies do not thrive,
and may even die. Grownups need to be touched too. (If you're
reading this and do not have a partner in your life, remember
that self-pleasure can be a very foremost aspect of self-care
and nurture. It is always potential to select delight for
oneself!)
B. Psychological Changes
The aging process may have psychological and emotional effects -
particularly as we live in a culture that glorifies youth and
extols youthfulness as the epitome of bodily beauty. (I would
remind us all that this is market-driven: marketers learned long
ago that younger habitancy are more likely to spend disposable
income, and are more influenceable by advertising.)
- We may be embarrassed or ashamed of our sexual needs as an older adult.
What to do: Get over it! Join the party. You deserve delight in your life, from birth until the day you die.
- Changes in appearance work on how we feel about ourselves. Bodies no longer match the idealized body images we see in advertising and the media.
What to do: perceive that media has created the teenage ideal of beauty. Celebrate and love the body you have! Every wrinkle, stretch mark, gray hair, rounded contour, ache and pain is a mark of your ever-increasing maturity and wisdom! Bette Midler once said that if you are a woman and reconsider yourself unattractive -- visit someone else culture for a wake-up call. American stereothypes of bodily attractiveness are insane dreams invented by marketers who are playing on our anxieties and insecurities in order to sell us more products.
- Worrying about sexual performance may really reduce the body's quality to achieve sexually; men may sense erectile dysfunction, women an inability to lubricate.
What to do: Relax! Relax... Enjoy your partner. Look into his or her eyes. Breathe together. Cuddle, stroke, gradually massage each other. Sexuality is about pleasure, playfulness, and spontaneity.
- Depression may reduce energy, optimism and desire.
What to do: Exercise, do pleasurable activities, get sun on your face every day. Talk with your physician about an antidepressant medication. See a therapist. Talk with your friends. Write your feelings in a journal. Any definite action taken - even drinking a glass of water! - is a step towards inviting out of depression.
C. Changes Due to Medications and Surgery
Chronic pain or surgery and illness that cause fatigue can make
sexual activities more inviting or painful.
What to do: Talk about it. Slow down, focus on simple pleasureable activities. Experiment with separate positions or activities to recognize what is most pleasureful.
Some ordinarily used medications can interfere with sexual
function. High blood pressure medications can reduce desire and
impair erection in men and lubrication in women. Some
antihistamines, antidepressants and acid-blocking drugs can have side effects that work on sexual function.
What to do: Talk with your physician about how to minimize these effects. It may be potential to substitute alternative medications that work as well as the original, but without affecting sexual function.
Iv. enhancing Sex as You Age
David Schnarch, in his book Passionate Marriage emphasizes that
people become better lovers as they age. This runs counter to
cultural stereotypes which hold that sex is for the young. Older persons have learned a few things over time, and no longer
struggle with teenage anxieties and ignorance about sexuality.
(For more information about David Schnarch's book, look on:
http://www.books4selfhelp.com/intimate-relationships.htm )
With age and maturity, it is more potential to slow down and
deeply sense all the delight that sensual sexuality has to
offer. It is potential to learn how to consolidate deep relaxation
with high states of arousal in order to have more intense,
longer-lasting sexual experiences.
- advance your definition of sex. Sex is more than intercourse!
- delineate with your partner. Talk about what you need and what you like. Discuss the changes you're going through. Ask your partner about his or her needs and how to be accommodating. communication itself can be arousing!
- Make changes to your routine. change the time of day in which you have sexual activity. Mornings or afternoons may be better than at night when you are tired or achy. Take more time to set the stage for romance: romantic dinners or an evening of dancing or a special time or place for lovemaking. Try a new sexual position.
- carry on your expectations. If you didn't have sex very often as a younger adult, don't expect to have lots of sex as an older adult. Partners who enjoy frequent sex when they are younger are more likely to continue that as they age.
- Take care of yourself. Eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly, at least 30 minutes a day. Avoid alcohol as it decreases sexual function in both men and women. Do your Kegel exercises every day.
- convention safe sex. If you have a new partner, get tested. Use condoms. habitancy over 50 make up about 10% of Aids cases in the United States
Most of all, plainly enjoy the pleasureful sensations which your
body is amply equipped to experience. Take time to look after your
relationship with your partner so that you are feeling
emotionally connected. coming your sexual relationship with
playfulness, humor, patience and love.
Sexual delight is part of the birthright of being human - and it is a lifelong resource for joy, condition and personal growth.
For further resources on Seniors and Sexuality - books, magazine
articles, films and Internet resources - see my resource page at
http://www.DavidYarian.com/resources.htm.
More resources are listed in The Guide to Self-Help Books,
http://www.Books4SelfHelp.com. Relevant sections of the Guide
include Sexuality, Men's Sexual Health, Women's Sexual Health,
Intimate Relationships, Gay and Lesbian Concerns and Tantra.
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